My Inner Child Freed — How Soulful Horizons Was Born from Healing After Domestic Abuse

More than just a business

You may think Soulful Horizons is a new business concept that emerged in the last few years. The truth is, she has been many years in the making. So many, in fact, that I would say she was born during my childhood, though at the time I had no idea.

But before I explain how, let me introduce you to her. Who she is. Why she exists. How she helped me. And how, I believe, she might help you too.

But first, the WHY

A life unfulfilled, an identity interrupted

My life wasn't going well. It felt like every time I took a step forward in life, something would inevitably knock me back. Usually on my ass, and always with a snide remark or two. "Who do you think you are? Get back down there where you belong."

I was a quitter. I lost count of the amount of things I started but never finished: school, college, jobs. I drifted from one to the next, each time with renewed determination that this time it would be different. This time it would stick, I told myself. But the familiar itch would return, a quiet voice telling me something wasn't right. Soon the boredom or discomfort would creep in. I would live for the weekend but when it arrived, it would be filled with dread for Monday's arrival.

Each time I walked through the doors of the college for yet another course I was certain I would complete, I would feel shame. So many of my peers in school seemed to have their life figured out. Sailing along happily through their careers. And that was all I wanted, a career I loved. But how could I figure out what I loved if I didn't even know myself?

Love hurt, yet I kept going back for more

Then there were my relationships. Every one of them was at best toxic, at worst, downright abusive and soul destroying. After each break down of the relationship, each time I would crawl away, with another piece of myself destroyed, I would ask myself why I always seemed to attract these kinds of men. Why could I never seem to have nice men attracted to me? Why did every man I meet ultimately want to destroy me? What was it about me that made them want to? And a whole host of other questions that I couldn't even frame at the time.

Enter stage left: The A-hole

Then came A-hole. The most abusive and corrosive man I had ever met. I won't get into why just yet, that will come another time. But safe to say, my time with him left me shattered into a million pieces. So broken that I thought I was beyond repair. Coming out of that relationship I knew something had to change. But what? How could I figure out how to heal when I didn't even understand how things had gotten so wrong in the first place?

No direction and no map

For a long time, I felt completely lost. I'd always had some kind of plan, and even if it turned out wrong, it was better than this… this feeling of having no direction whatsoever. The freedom I'd fought so hard for, suddenly felt too much. It felt like I was in a dense forest, with no clue where to go. No map and no compass. How the hell could I find my way out when I didn't even know where I was?!

Therapeutic journey

At that point, I threw myself into therapy. I knew I desperately needed help and therapy saved me in those initial years after leaving. My therapist helped me through the tumult of court cases that followed, gave me the strength to keep going, and helped water the seeds of my worth that had withered under the weight of pleasing others but never quite being enough. I finally began to get some answers for why my life had turned out as it had and I felt hope that maybe things could be different.

There was no denying the power of therapy. Now, instead of feeling lost, my life felt like a blank slate. I could choose what I kept in my life and in the bin with anything else. But still there was a sense of now what? Only now, new questions arose. How would I navigate the world as this new version of myself? How do I know I could trust myself to not only notice the early signs of abuse, but walk away when I saw them? And still that old question lingered on where my life was going, because one of the areas that went in the bin, right along with the A-hole, was my career in accounts. But I still didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I still didn't know myself enough.

The first spark of my inner child

After leaving I had been attending the Freedom Programme, a programme that helps you to recognise the signs of abuse. Whilst going, I was asked if I would like to help facilitate the group. I of course, said yes, and began training as a Parent Champion to allow me to do so.

Once I completed my training, I began helping with the Freedom Programme, but there was something else I wanted to do. I wanted to give women who had experienced long-term relational betrayal and domestic abuse opportunities to try something new. To rebuild their self-esteem. So, I created the Blossom group, where I would invite different companies and agencies to give taster sessions, and if they found something they loved, then I could help put them in touch with the right people. I was so excited.

Things didn't quite work out that way though. Getting people willingly through the door was an obstacle I hadn't expected. So the only women that came to the group were those that had been referred by their social workers and were in crisis. I was flattered, it seemed that the staff and the Strengthening Families Hub where I delivered my sessions saw something in me that I couldn't at the time because I didn't have a clue how to help these ladies.

A heavy heart, a little lighter

My first service user arrived looking very weighed down. When she explained her situation, I desperately tried to help her find solutions. But there was nothing I could do and I became overwhelmed with powerlessness. All I wanted to do was pick her up out of her impossible situation, hug her, and give her a new direction. But I had no legal knowledge.

During our conversation in our second session together, I began to notice a frustration in her. I thought it was just because of her situation, (of course it was), but also, it seemed that there was a little toward me. Though she appeared grateful for me trying to help and caring enough to do so, there was still something I was missing. Then it hit me, she had so many people trying to work on her situation, so many people telling her what she should and shouldn't do. I wondered if anyone had just shut up and listened. So, that's what I did. I stopped flapping my gums long enough to hear what she needed from me in that moment and that was literally it, just having someone hear her.

As I stood and watched her leave, looking lighter than when she had first arrived, I felt the first spark. Heard that first Sacred Whisper. Felt a subtle tug, to what, I wasn't sure, but I decided to follow it.

The sacred whispers of my inner child

Little did I know, this wasn't the first time I had heard these whispers. They were the whispers of the part of me that had found safety in silence. She had been made to feel that her voice didn't deserve to be heard, that she didn't have a right to feel. So she stayed small, longing for love but also terrified of being noticed.

I remember when I first heard them. The silent pull to be a companion for the vulnerable. You see, down the road from where I lived as a child, was a residential home for adults with intellectual disabilities. Many of the children in my area would tease them, antagonise them, find joy in their cries. I didn't join in, quite the opposite. The amount of scuffles I would end up in defending the residents. It was no wonder I usually came home with holes in my clothes.

Then there was Katie, one of the residents that I had befriended. I hated to see her upset and so I remember spending many days during the summer holidays sitting on the curb with her. Chatting and playing together. I never saw them as different and the injustice I felt when they were teased by the other children would leave me feeling so upset.

So yeah, those Sacred Whispers? They belong to her, and though I didn't know it at the time, she had big ideas brewing. Turns out, she was far from finished. She was just waiting to be heard.

When she whispered to me as that service user left my group that day, she reminded me of who I really was, and that maybe I was capable of more than I had ever believed.

So that evening, I made a call that would change the course of my life in ways I never dreamed possible.

The Sacred Whispers became harder to ignore

I still don't know what made me pick up the phone that evening. I'd already been told no once. I didn't even know what I wanted to say. But something in me, that quiet tug, wouldn't let me put it down.

Ten minutes later, I had committed the next five years of my life to studying psychology.

From healing to understanding

And so my journey through Birmingham City University began, and for the first time, my voice was not only allowed, it was encouraged. Initially, it was hard for me to do so. Years of being told I'm too much or not enough. Being spoken over. Being told what to think and what to do. I was so out of practice.

There were many times when fear almost got the better of me, when I almost quit. But I surprised myself by not giving up on myself. I knew that this was the path for me. I was exactly where I belonged.

What also surprised me, is that it isn't just an education I received. When you're surrounded by people who inspire, encourage and support you, it's impossible not to grow. University is where I discovered who I truly am. I'm not a quitter! I'm a survivor, I am determined and resolute. And though there were times when I thought I couldn't go on, I never gave up.

I began to understand the psychology and the dynamics that had led me to the difficulties in my life. Why I repeated behaviours that I hated but couldn't stop. I began to ask the important questions that had evaded me for most of my life, and found many of the answers for them. The university had essentially handed me a map and helped me pinpoint my location. I identified the paths that brought me here and, most importantly, a way forward.

As for that huge question — why did I seem to attract this type of man? Despite repeatedly being told that it wasn't me, it was them, I realised that I did play a role in that dynamic. And that is not to blame myself or say that I asked for it in any way, but I was able to figure out what it was about me that made me repeat that pattern. At first the answer felt like a gut punch. But ultimately, it was liberating. Because while those platitudes were meant to reassure me, what they actually did was leave me powerless. Because if it wasn't me, was there really anything I could do to change it? Finding out my role gave me power. It gave me control over what happened to me. And for the first time ever, I knew I could trust myself to never fall prey again.

University also gave me my voice, and most importantly, I started using it. Hesitantly at first. But with time, I began to share my thoughts more openly. And most importantly, I found I had a voice worth using. And now, I want to share it with you.

The companion I needed

Soulful Horizons is my conceptual baby. She is the voice that grew from a need I recognised within myself. Soulful Horizons acts as a companion. Someone to accompany you on your healing journey, helping you feel less alone and more understood. She is never here to tell you what to do, or where to go. She will only ever help you see what is possible.

But do you want to know the biggest realisation that I've had recently?